I often hear people speaking of their desire for a "spiritual experience." I get it. It's pretty intriguing and can step into something blissful, magical, profound, or completely wild. Something that defies the logic mind, with the notion that there is more to our existence than what we see or know in 3D. Nowadays, it's quite accessible to explore such experiences in the form of energy work, Ayahuasca, breathwork journeys, or meditation. Oftentimes, it induces physical, mental, emotional, and/or an energetic release that can be mild or intense. In fact, you can book this kind of experience as an all-inclusive holiday package or just a weeknight event at Chiang Mai Holistic for 90 baht! But what happens when these spiritual "occasions" arrive in the middle of the night when you'd rather be sleeping? Or on a busy morning when you have deadlines to complete? I definitely have said, "I really don't have time for this right now," or "Oh please, not before my morning coffee."
That's the funny-but-not-funny thing about stepping into spirituality, which is basically (a seemingly endless) healing journey. We don't get to choose or have control over the experiences that best suits us or our schedule. Part of the spiritual path is coming across the vulnerable aspects of ourselves... completely off-guard! I guess it's like anything that we are committed to— our passion, purpose, relationships with people that we care about, and even concepts (ie. trust, honesty, etc). It's about being there for it all despite wanting to run away (flight), suppress it (freeze), pretend it's not happening (dissociation), or pushing it away (fight). We are meant to face the discomfort; choose a way to break the old pattern; and create change within ourselves.
What am I learning from my own experience? Mostly I try to observe my reactions, triggers, and pain as just a moment. Sometimes that moment is an hour, a day, or a week. It can be excruciating at times, and sometimes I am not showing the best version of myself (gasp!). But I am committed to my purpose— to lift myself up and out of negative cycles instead of being pulled back into them by default. The lower and heavy vibrations (ie. fear, anger, guilt, shame) tend to grab our attention more easily due to our past hurt and conditioning.
And even when I ABSOLUTELY do not want to. When I REALLY, TRULY don't feel like it. When the circumstances seem IMPOSSIBLE, I take a pause and try to let love in. Tapping into this heart space isn't necessarily about what good I hope for immediately afterwards, but sometimes it's about preventing harm from happening. That unkind word to myself or another, or an action that I'll regret— that will only reinforce the suffering I'm stuck in. Instead, I am trying to choose unconditional love. Even if it's just a drop in the vastness of my being, it's towards the change that I want.
These words below were originally written through a spurt of automatic writing that came through during an incredible 3 day TRE® workshop that I attended with facilitators Fiona Leibowitz and Jeremy de Tolly (and assisted by Dave Millang and Katherine at The Sanctuary Thailand).
How to Love the Heart
Say, "I'm sorry"
Tammy is a location independent yogi.